Beautiful, serene, remote. Bogs with mud and log crossings, many bridges, soft pine packed earth surrounded by meadows, trees, gorges, and hills. A course of steep switchbacks, many root covered technical areas and several steep stairways going up and down. Fun times!
Feeling good in the beginning, barely noticing the miles fly by. Stopping at one point to pick blueberries. There was a veritable carpet of blueberry bushes in some spots. Joking and singing with friends miles 1 - 7 flew by and I hardly noticed them. 8 and 9 were OK but I was struggling to keep up at that point and knew by my breathing that I wouldn't be likely to maintain that pace. The sun was well up and humidity was starting to hit me pretty hard.
This is the point of the race where in a running book a runner would suck it up. Pull from some magical extra reserves and not only catch up but beat their friends to the finish. Which is what Steve did, not so much me. The next 6 miles were a struggle with my breathing, a struggle with cramping calves, and an internal struggle with my negative self where I fought off 3 panic attacks.
I wish I had finished stronger, I wish I had come into the finish with family and friends encouraging me and been able to smile at them. Instead I came in barely able to stand up, collapsing into their arms. Very happy I could stop! I get down on myself for not finishing strong, but I could have walked that last half mile, I made myself run it. I think that at that point I just wanted to sit down, my calves had pretty much gone on strike and I was pushing to just put one foot in front of the other but I still ran that last half mile. I was not going to walk in to the finish. I am proud of that last half mile of push. No matter how slow the previous 6 miles had been.
Points of struggle:
- First was the breathing. At the 9 mile rest step I made a note that it was getting more humid. I don't know if I would have been better if I had tried to ignore the creeping humidity and continue to try to keep up with the rest of the group, or if I was better for listening to my breathing and dialing back to where I could keep breathing. If I had kept pushing myself would I have been like that poor runner at the end of the race who was collapsed with heat stroke and taken to the hospital? Instead of finishing last then enjoying a really great lunch with family and friends. Regardless, my breathing is a continual issue with me when running. My larynx will often start to close up with exertion and I spend a lot of time struggling to make my throat relax. I wheeze a lot when running and if anything makes me upset or breathing more difficult, then the larynx will close more and I will have to stop until I can get my throat to relax again. I hate this weakness. I hate that I can't just relax and breath the way most people seem to be able to do. I play mental games of timing my breath with my steps, but that trick is usually too monotonous to occupy my mind. If I make the mistake of thinking about the struggle or starting to let myself get upset over anything then I go into a full panic attack. My throat will lock down, I will barely be able to draw in a trickle of breath. Then I have to stop as I try to calm myself enough that I can breath again. So not allowing myself to go into negative thought loops or getting upset or depressed about perceived poor performance is very important.
Ideas towards improving my breathing: Practicing daily meditation. Practicing yoga and Thai chi for learning better breathing with movement.
- Second point of struggle controlling negative and self destructive thoughts. When I have these internal struggles I am often getting down on myself for not being stronger. Stronger than what or whom I'm not sure but it is a struggle to not kick myself about for being weaker than others. But I don't see or know their internal struggles. I don't have any idea what their inner demons are. Maybe I do something easily that they feel hopelessly clumsy with. This idea that I should be stronger or should be better is a fallacy. And I have to find a way to stop beating myself up about this. The challenge of training and improving your performance is part of running, but not if you use it to take the joy out of running. The feeling of being alive and the extra brightness and beauty of your surroundings. Being outside and feeling the freedom and fun of exploring a new trail. These are what running is to me. Not something to use to compare myself with others and always falling short of higher expectations. That's a head game I will never win!
Ideas towards improving negative self talk: Practicing positive self talk, practicing positive mantras to help stop negative thought loops. practicing meditation with movement.
- The Third point of struggle is physical, I seem to have a point at the 13 - 15 mile mark where my calves start to give out. I struggle with painful cramping that won't allow me to continue running that forces me into taking long walk breaks. This seriously slows me down. Is the secret to go slower to start with? I am already going at a very slow pace, going even slower is so frustrating, especially with a race where everyone else seems to take off at 3x my speed. (see previous paragraphs) I could look at Manual Muscle Testing hip and leg muscles again, see where I am weak and stick to a strength training schedule. (One of the best Ultra runners I know claims to do 500 single leg squats a day). There are drills I could practice to improve my stride and pace. There are formulas I can look at to determine my energy out put vs energy input. I sweat a lot when I run, no matter the level of clothing i wear. I seem to sweat a lot, which could mean I'm losing nutrients at a fast rate. It's known that we use them up faster than we can replenish when running, but is there a rate I should be drinking and taking in energy? I tried taking salt tablets in this last race, but it didn't seem to help the cramping much. I don't know if I need to take more of them but I worry about hyperemia because of my fluid loss and don't want to take in too many at a time.
Ways to improve physically: Stick to the strength training plan! No excuses! Try different nutrition options during my long runs, preferably not during a race where they can mess up my race. Work on getting stronger and faster at my shorter distances to help break through the 13 mile wall.
Somewhere in the midst of the training I need to keep focus on the fun side of things. That I do this not as a chore but as something I enjoy. That rainy trail runs are something that I live for. : )
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