I have had a difficult year and it has been hard to stay motivated to run this year. I remember when I first started running I was a back of the packer, and then with some training I pushed my way forward to midpack. Health issues have me steadily sliding to the back of the pack again. First it was COVID, then when I was finally starting to feel better and like I could really go back to training I was plagued with a lingering fatigue. I would have muscle aches and fatigue much longer after runs than normal. When running I felt so slow and lumbering like I was fighting through syrup to move myself. I thought maybe COVID was just lingering longer, or maybe my iron was low again and I needed to eat more spinach and meat. Other than fatigue and continued pain from a stomach ulcer that I have had for 5 years now, I really feel pretty good. There didn't seem to be any reason for the heavy fatigue after relatively short runs.
I was scheduled for an endoscopy and biopsy of the stomach ulcer in March but COVID shut down all non essential procedures. After several reschedules I was finally able to have the endoscopy in late July. The endoscopy revealed that my ulcer was not bacterial and would not be cured with antibiotics. It also revealed a mass the size of a golf ball deep in my stomach lining which they tried to biopsy. Due to the depth and awkward placement they were not able to get a good sample and the results were inconclusive. But it's shape did not present like typical stomach cancer so the doctor was fairly certain it was benign and most likely a "pancreatic rest". To be safe another biopsy with ultrasound scope was ordered, sadly they were still unable to get a good sample but the second doctor who did the ultrasound scope agreed that it "looked" benign and agreed with the "pancreatic rest" theory. This was late August and I was then sent for a CT scan to check for other signs of malignancy, "just to finally be sure that it is benign". The results of the CT scan also thought that the mass in my stomach was benign, however they found several lesions in my liver that were worrying and scheduled a biopsy of my liver. The biopsy of my liver happened the beginning of November and the results were not benign. It was cancer we just didn't know how extensive yet. More bloodwork was ordered and now I was sent to have a PET scan from nose to mid thigh to determine how extensive the cancer was, it didn't present as liver cancer and they felt it was spreading from somewhere else in the body. My case was moved over to an "oncology" team and as they say "shit started to get real".
I admit, I have been fairly anxious since they said the liver lesions were cancerous. But I rallied my spirits and made plans to fight it. With expectations of upcoming chemo treatments and possible surgeries I thought, "I've got this, It's just another type of marathon right?" It will be grueling and painful at times but worth the effort. I have lots of family/friends and support and my loved ones will be there for me. I shared the info with a few close friends and family, even though it felt surreal and I expected any day a call from the doctor saying they made a mistake and I'm actually fine. I even made plans for when I lost my hair to borrow wildly colorful wigs from Leanna, and more normal wigs from Dawn.
On this past Sunday the results from my PET scan arrived in my patient portal. I was scheduled to meet with the oncologist on Tuesday to go over the results. Looking back I would not advise reading the results of such a scan on your own. Even with my medical training and background I am not an oncologists and I know just enough to know how much I don't know about what is surgically and medically possible. I would advise anyone to wait until your doctor can explain the results to you. Do not make assumptions or self diagnose or search Web MD for answers. From what I could understand of the scan results the Tumor in my stomach was very active and malignant and the probable source of the liver lesions. The liver cancer was much more extensive than what showed on the CT scan and there were signs of higher "activity" in other areas. On the good side there was no "activity" in my lymph nodes or bones. OK, so scarier and definitely not good but I was still optimistic, in shock but optimistic that with surgery and chemo and possibly radiation I can beat this. I was suddenly grateful for my COVID lock down weight gain. I assumed I would need some kind of gastric bypass and hey now I had the extra weight to keep me from losing too much.
Tuesday December the 8th I met with my oncologist, still feeling surreal and disbelieving but ready for a game plan and to start fighting the cancer. Bring on the chemo, the surgeries and the radiation lets destroy this stuff! So I was completely stunned to hear the words "Stage 4" and "Terminal". I had to ask the doctor to repeat herself twice as I simply could not even understand what I was hearing. The cancer is "inoperable" and "extensive" and "not curable". The doctor went on to explain that the plan was to give me "the highest quality of life for as long as they could." There would be no radiation treatment and my appointments with the radiation doctor were being cancelled. There would be no chemo infusions as that would drastically reduce my quality of life and not work to kill this type of cancer. I had a rare type of stomach "Gist" cancer that is very slow to spread and does not present as a cancer. The most common form of stomach cancer is very aggressive and spreads too fast to catch and most people die within weeks of knowing they have it. I am lucky, I have the sloth cancer and they have "High Hopes" of slowing and even shrinking the cancer with the chemo pills. They even have a particular drug in mind that usually works very well with my type of cancer and many people live for several years just taking one pill a day with very few side effects. They are confident once they determine which drug to use that they can give me several more years of a relatively high quality life. And new cancer drugs are being developed all the time so there is still some hope that they will find something later on that can give me even more time. At this point they are hopeful that I could have up to 10 or more years left.
So I am blessed! I am blessed with time my friends, time to continue to help people heal and feel better with my work as a PTA. Time to travel and see friends and family and have many more adventures on the trail. Right now I am finding comfort in these thoughts. I am also still shocked and in the disbelief phase, so I understand I may later hit an angry phase where I will need to rant and scream at the world. But for now, at this point I am grateful, so very grateful to have time. Grateful to have a sloth cancer that wants to take it's time and let's me enjoy life for a little while longer.
Back of the pack runners are a tough and determined bunch. They are pushing through and often working to stay positive and optimistic in a sport that praises and lauds speed. Often they call themselves sloth or turtle runners. It's about the journey and enjoying the time with friends outdoors and not the speed you are capable of going. So for the foreseeable future I have rejoined the sloth running group, but I will be in great company and continue to find my joy on the trails.
Go team sloth! Woop Woop!
