Note: I started this blog post last summer when I was recovering form surgery and never finished it. But I would like to share the still remembered dream.
I had a dream several weeks back that was one of my very vivid kind of dreams where I can feel, and taste and touch things and remember it for weeks after.
In the dream I have a little yellow car and I share it with other people so I was parking it and picking up all of my scattered possessions and stuffing them in a duffle bag which I left on a stack of other peoples duffle bags for when I was using the car again. I was late for class which was in a huge brick and stone castle like building and up several flights of stairs. When I finally got to class it was a final assessment group project and everyone was already partnered up and I had to try to find and solve all of the clues on my own. The project involved various clues scattered about the classroom, and you had to solve the murder mystery. I sat down at my desk and there was a gold plate and serving set like at a holiday meal. I dropped my papers on the floor and after I picked them up and sat up again there was a gift box on the plate and my teacher was sitting across from me smiling slightly. She had ice blue eyes and steel grey hair in a short bob cut and she nodded and gestured to the gift. It was a dark blue wrapping paper with trees on it and a silver ribbon. I opened the box to find a carved silver figure of a fox with several kits climbing around her. looking at the fox figurine it was looking up with a bright knowing and serious expression. It felt heavy in my palm and I could feel the etchings of the carving and I remember being very touched at the thoughtfulness of the gift. Then I woke up.
I have shared this dream with several people. After thinking it over and many discussions with friends, family, and therapist, I think this is the best interpretation I have heard; The car symbolizes my stay in the hospital with it being a shared space that I had to vacate and prepare for the next patient. The school with groups I was too late to join symbolizes all the events I felt like I was missing out on and my watching friends move on and have fun without me as I was recovering from surgery and going through treatment. And the fox that was carved resting with her kits symbolized the gift of time that I had been given for my recovery.
Someone even suggested that the time of rest was a blessing not a curse and that I was fortunate to be able to take the time I needed to heal. Being patient with myself and accepting that "gift" might make the slow, isolated time more bearable.
It's funny looking back on that time when I thought all the cancer was gone and that the goal was to heal from surgery and get back to normal someday. Then last September the cancer wasn't gone. It has taken me several months, and I am still trying to come to terms with this just being my new normal. Dealing with life on chemo and forced retirement from health issues is hard. I still remember the gift of the fox. Now I have more time and energy for family and can plan more time with them than I could have before when I was working.
Cancer isn't the way I would have chosen early retirement, I am not recommending it at all. I miss my work and still struggle with an identity crisis of self worth tied up in productivity. Unfortunately every time I think I am feeling pretty good and could go back to work, I get sick again, or have severe side effects from the chemo that require more doctors visits and rest and sometime hospital stays. I can't imagine a job that would allow the kind of intermittent work I would be able to do without knowing if tomorrow I would have to call in sick from severe side effects.
I have started to volunteer at the animal shelter. There is no heavy work just playing with dogs and cats and walking the dogs I feel strong enough to handle. No set schedule. Show up and spend time as much or as little as I would like. Feeling sick? sudden doctors appointment? No problem. The bonus is I get to play with puppies and kittens. Steve has some concern about my wanting to bring more home. Luckily the two we have are so much work that I really don't want any more pets at this time.
So in a way I am like that fox carving with the kits climbing over her, only it's puppies and kittens in my case.
If you are in need of a new companion, check out the animals looking for their furever home at Livingston Animal Shelter. They get a lot of love at this shelter and the volunteers are great at working on training and socializing.
https:/www.livgov.com/animalshelter
