Light at the End of the Tunnel

 Steve and I had a wonderful camping trip this year, we stayed in Ohiopyle, Pennsylvania for 4 days and Hocking Hills, Ohio for 3 days.  We had several adventures in hiking, biking and white water rafting, however the one I would like to share today was our day biking on the Great Allegheny Passage (GAP) rail trail.  Our white water rafting guide had recommended driving to the next town up the trail (Confluence) and from there biking about 6 miles up to the Pinkerton train tunnel.  He said that it would be a pretty ride with several trestle bridges to cross over, and the Pinkerton tunnel was a local landmark and unique experience.  We thought a 12 mile round trip sounded doable for two people who haven't biked all summer.  

We packed a lunch to eat when we got back to Confluence and snacks, extra water in a camelback, first aid kit etc. for the ride.  We though we were probably overpacking for a 12 mile bike, but not knowing the trail and how far we might be from help we tend to overpack and prepare.  

We were very fortunate that most of the trail was wooded and shady, it also followed the river with several gorgeous overlooks.  

What we did not anticipate was the constant uphill climb.  There were a few downhills headed east to the tunnel, but mostly my quads were burning with the consistent pedaling needed to make our way.  Then, at the 7 mile mark, we realized it may be farther than the guide's estimate of 6 miles.  We decided to stop, rest, and re-evaluate the distance by using the interactive map we had downloaded for the trip.  Stopping was harder than we'd thought; with tired legs, Steve's usual dismount did not work as well, and he ended up scrapping his knee up on the gravel path.  Guess we did need that first aid kit!

Consulting the map, we saw that we were more than halfway there and maybe it would be another couple miles to the tunnel. This we felt was doable, especially if the way back was going to be a steady downhill.  We continued on, and eventually got to the tunnel just shy of 10 miles. Our 12 mile bike had turned into a 20 mile bike!  But we made it, and the overlook was gorgeous!  And the tunnel, well, that was an experience.  

The Pinkerton tunnel is 849 ft of unlit tunnel.  You can clearly see the other side, however, after the first few feet, the blackness is total and you can see nothing around you.  I had several minutes of anxiously steering straight towards the light at the end, with hands I couldn't see, on a path I couldn't see, and praying that there were no obstacles for me to run into!  It had not occurred to us to pack lights.  The cold of the tunnel chilled the sweat on my back, and all I heard was the gravel crunching beneath my tires and my breath echoing back to me from the tunnel walls, which added to the general fear factor.  I was very relieved to make it unscathed to the other side.  The way back I was a little easier about it since I had made it through once and knew what to expect, but it was still very unnerving riding through such total darkness.  I had some time to think about the symbolism, how often we are going through dark times that scare us and where we can't see what obstacles or dangers might be ahead, and we just have to trust that we will make it to the light on the other side.  To get through the scary times, hold steady and steer towards the light.

The way back to Confluence was a much easier ride with a constant downgrade that let us coast a lot.  I was very grateful for that!

Resting on the way back, we found a couple benches that were engraved with sayings that fit the trip perfectly.  As Steve feels I am the loveliest flower in the garden.  And for some reason, this trip between hiking Laurel Highlands and Hocking Hills involved a lot of climbing.  Steve would turn to me and ask, "Say it,"  and I would reply: "Yes, Ray, we are still going up".  

The Many Scarred Tree

 One of the tools that I use to help with anxiety has been to practice meditation and mindfulness.  This does not mean sitting for hours staring at my belly button and trying to think of nothing.  Rather it is about no matter if I am sitting, walking or performing some chore or task,  I am also practicing keeping my focus on noticing the world around me. Not distracting myself with music or audiobooks, or letting my brain endlessly spiral around upcoming tasks etc.  It is taking some time to really notice the little things around you that normally are just background, that we might not even really see as we walk by.

A few weeks ago I happened to have a little over an hour of time between work and a writing class I am taking, so I stopped by a small park and explored a new to me nature trail.  It happened to be a low energy day so I knew it would be a slow meander and just took my time at a pace that didn't have me stopping to catch my breath.  It happened to be a very old boardwalk, covered with moss, and with many uneven boards.  It even had some areas under construction with missing boards and new off to the side ready to replace them.  Going slow was probably the wisest way to take with the somewhat treacherous path.  There were several lollipop branches with one overlooking a river that I chose to rest at, and meditate and watch the river for a bit.  Watching the river, with no people about, it was still a busy place.  Reflections of sunlight off the water danced on the underside or tree branches overhanging the river in a mesmerizing pattern.  Huge red dragonflies patrolled and circled across and around, across and around, with occasional dives at the insects skimming the water.   A large fish jumped, startling me with its sudden huge splash.  Shortly after a huge raptor (I am not skilled enough in bird identifying to know the exact type) bright white and brown speckled body dove down towards the water.  It seemed to be coming right at me as its claws reached for the surface and missed its prey.  It circled twice before flying off further down the river.  I tried to focus on my breathing and simply take it all in, and marveled at just how busy the world is with no people around.  How much life is going on in the world that we often do not take the time to notice.  

I continued on my way, wanting to give myself enough time to get back to the start of the trail, and eventually I came upon a tree that was so torn and scarred that I was amazed that it still lived. Something in the tree's past had tried to take it out and been unsuccessful. Here it stood, scarred but very much alive. Standing straight and tall with a bright green canopy overhead.  A silent reminder that damaged does not mean broken.  Sometimes we make it out of the trauma heavily scarred and survive and thrive nonetheless.  

Lost in thoughts of the tree and what it meant or symbolized for me (not a mindful moment!),  I was startled by someone coming up behind me.  The first person I had seen out there, she said something like, "behind you", and I jumped probably a foot to the side as she speed walked past me.  She had headphones in and seemed to be going faster than was safe for this boardwalk.  I think she barely noticed me as she went by.  I wondered if she had noticed the scarred tree?  Or had taken a moment to watch the river?  I suddenly felt sad for her, and by that same token for my past self.  How many trails did I run with friends where it felt good to be out in nature but I was distracted with conversation.  Did I really see and hear and appreciate the world around me?  How many runs did I do with headphones and an audiobook or podcast running in my ear to distract me?  What did I miss by not taking some extra time to really feel and focus on all the vibrant life around me.  

This experience seemed to be a reminder that no matter how busy I am, trying to fit that workout in, I should stop and take a breath, and take the time to mindfully take it all in.

Taking a moment

 It's been a very busy week.  I have new hours and new responsibilities at work as I take on the role of Assistant Events Manager.  At home I am busy trying to clean pack and prepare our teardrop trailer for our vacation next week.  I am trying to take time to rest as I need it and it's frustrating how many times I have to go lay down until the fatigue passes.  I am past the go, go, go period of my life and strong willed part of myself really wants it back.  

 Yesterday I had a moment.  When I went to haul the bins out to the curb I bent to pick up a scrap of paper and as I did so a large dragon fly landed on the paper I was holding.  There I was, caught in a "moment".   I didn't want to move and could hardly breath as I inspected it's beautiful emerald green faceted eyes and it's iridescent wings shimmered in the early morning sun.  It seemed quite content to just sit there, the superstitious part of me wondered if it was a message.  The part of my brain that looks for meaning in the world around me wondered if it could talk what it wanted to tell me.  

For many different cultures around the world the dragonfly has many meanings. 

"Throughout many Native American nations (as well as other cultures worldwide) the dragonfly is representative of change, transformation, renewal, and self-realization, as well as speed, activity, dynamism, magic, and mystery."

A couple weeks ago I had a dragonfly "rider" while I was kayaking with my Brother and sister in law.  It stayed for over an hour sitting on top of my hat as I paddled down the Chippewa river.  My sister in law said you could watch it occasionally zip off of the hat and attack some incoming bug, then return right to the top of my head.  They wished they could have a guardian dragonfly!  

For whatever reason dragonflies have been making frequent appearance in my life lately.  Maybe to tell me it's time to trust the changes that go on in my life, embrace the transformations and growth and movement from one way of being to another.  Maybe it's OK to let go of the "Go, Go, Go" stage of my life and embrace the "active with periods of rest and contemplation stage".  In the end it would probably be healthier for me to Not try to push through my exhaustion and instead embrace the necessary times of rest. 

 

Robin Mama

 I stepped away from Facebook for a spell. It was shortly after the loss of a dear friend, and I found myself doom scrolling too much.  With many of the posts in my feed being horrible news and memes that just increased my general sadness and anxiety.  I felt bad letting go of Facebook, as it has over the years become my main way of sharing photos and upcoming events and life's happy times with friends and family.  However I just couldn't seem to stop myself from passing too many hours scrolling the feed that did nothing to improve my mental state.  I erased Facebook from my phone and though I told myself I could check in on my family and friends via my computer a couple times a week I found myself avoiding it altogether.

My only regret is a bit of narcissism that I enjoyed sharing pictures and adventures with friends and have been told by several that they enjoy my stories and shared pictures.  One sweet person in particular was part of my cancer support group and as things got more difficult for her she said she enjoyed living vicariously through me and seeing my adventures.  She passed away recently and I feel sad that I wasn't sharing these past few months.  

They say the thing people regret most at the end of their lives is when they withheld love, and that kind of feels like what has happened.  I love to share with friends. I share things that I hope will help others to find joy or appreciate the world around them.  I try to share things I feel are informative or events that other's might find interesting or inspiring or helpful.  I share because I love you all and at the core of it, I believe this world to be a good place with many good people who are just trying to do the best they can to survive it.

I will try to check in on Facebook each week, and share some of life's events, but if you don't see me on social media don't think I am avoiding you dear friends.  Give me a call to chat or plan a walk or meet me for coffee or tea ( I drink both).  Don't think that I am ignoring you or don't care if I am not online, it is because I am endeavoring to change my focus to the real world.

This morning I went out onto the porch swing and worked on my Journal and watched a Mama Robin feed her babies.  My journal question for the day was "What is making you hopeful right now?"  I used a mindfulness exercise where I went through the five senses to ground and center myself in the present and that pretty much answered perfectly what makes me hopeful:

-The smell of the damp post rain air.

- The sound of cheerful and raucous birdsong filling the trees.

-The feel of the gently rocking porch swing supporting me and the warm mug in my hands.

-The taste of the dark rich coffee that makes me think of warmer tropical places in the sun.

-The sight of a mother robin who built her nest on my front porch wreath and is busily hunting worms to feed her babies.

May you find some peace and contentment sometime today my friends.

Thoughts from the trail

 

The day was bright and beautiful with unseasonable temperatures of 61 degrees.  How could I not spend some time on the trail?  The wind was blowing quite a bit and bare branches made a clatter above my head that at times drowned out the birdsong.  When the wind was still, the woods were still, only my footsteps crunching through last fall's leaves. The occasional rare hiker or trail runner would come along with a quick friendly greeting as we passed... two ships on a trail.  For the most part, however, I had the woods to myself and my own thoughts.  

This big beautiful cluster of trees all intertwined and grown together is what I call a "familiar friend" on the Kachin trail at Brighton Rec.  These "friends" are my mile markers.  They are there year after year, season after season, I smile and greet them as I pass.   This particular "friend" reminds me of the book The Hidden Life Of Trees by Peter Wohlleben.   It talks about how trees communicate with each other, support each other, and form intricate communities. If one falls sick the others will pass extra nutrients through their roots.  Solitary trees and new plantings don't have this support system and are more prone to disease, and more likely to succumb to it without the support from their fellow trees.

This tree makes me think of my own support systems and how enormously fortunate I am to have so many supportive communities in my life.  Extended family, choir friends, crafting and science fiction fan friends, running friends, cancer support community friends.  They have all been a part of my struggle.  This big enormous tree of lovely people who's well wishes and assistance kept me taking that next step I needed to survive.  Thoughts of good times with family or on the trails with friends, helped me through some of the most painful and scary procedures I have ever had to go through.  Music from choir kept me company through long dark and painful nights in the hospital, and lifts my spirits during those times I wonder why I keep fighting.  Meal trains, assistance with housework, and yard work and all the little things you don't think about until you can't do them.

I think of all of this and how important community is to survival.  I think about those in my Cancer support community...me included who have said we "don't want to bother anyone".  I find myself afraid that I am talking too much about myself or to break down crying with my own fears.  We don't want others to feel burdened or that we are being too needy.  My heart breaks that this culture of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and having to do everything on your own so you aren't a burden to others, has us turning away from the support that is necessary for survival.  If you were drowning in a pond would you try to call for help? Or would you just let yourself sink so you weren't a "burden" to others.  

Looking at the tree friend I see 8 or 9 entwining supportive trunks coming together at the roots.  I would not wish cancer or any other catastrophe on anyone.  But these life events show how important it is to come together at the roots.   In a world of divisiveness and loneliness, it is our community that keeps us strong.  

May you walk in the sunshine, have the breeze tickle your face, and live, laugh and love another day.

Stop For the Hush

 A friend met me for a fall hike yesterday and I had numerous moments where I had to stop in  my tracks and take note of the grace and beauty of the world around me.  I felt I needed to share some of my wonder and appreciation, and so I wrote this poem/prose.

The world is an almost twilight grey, with a few bright patches of eerily glowing leaves yet to cease clinging from their branches.  

The leaf strewn paths beckon and invite to crunch along their twisty ways. 

All is quiet and hushed, fall not quite done, but winter ever nearer in the icy air.

A sudden streak of bright white motion through the leaf bare forest. Two swans make their graceful way up into the sky.

Careful short stepping with toes gripping through shoes, we make our way on the slippery frost glazed boardwalk.

The lake is mirror glass still, golden reeds and white egret perfectly tranquil.  Not a ripple, not a breath of air to mar this perfect reflection.

Paths continue onward and upward, over hills and watching for rocks and roots hidden under the carpet of leaves, ready to catch a toe or turn an unwary ankle.

Leaves mostly fallen, and yet we happen upon some groves of bright color. Wondering at some strange chance of nature that keeps these brilliant moments in the forest.

Keeping eyes to the ground, looking for hazards we might miss the soft light glowing through the leaves above. 

A familiar sight each fall, greeting us like an old friend. The vivid leaves over the path remind us of falls gone by.

Making our way back to the beginning and through the towering pines. Crunching feet stilling for a breath or five. Listening for the susurration of the wind through the treetops.

Whispering to us to stay

and rest in the hush of the world

waiting for it's blanket of snow.

 

Energy Management or Not Enough Spoons

Energy Management: The process of tracking and monitoring energy levels to conserve usage. 

This is a forever tough one for me. I have spent years trying to teach patients and giving them strategies on energy management. But that was BC (before cancer) times.  When I thought I understood the concept of tired.  When I could push myself through my tired to run a marathon and the consequences were not very high.  I could recover in a few days, and it made me sore but never stopped me from completing tasks of daily function like showering and getting dressed and cooking something simple to feed myself.

For those who are unfamiliar with energy management, the most recent analogy that seems to work for people is you start your day with a certain number of spoons.  Each task that you do that day will take a different number of spoons, when you are out of spoons you simply can't keep going, you have to rest.  Different tasks take more energy or spoons to complete.  For example let's say you had a really active couple of days and then you wake up and realize you have a fewer spoons day with maybe 5 spoons to start the day instead of your normal 10.  Or you don't necessarily know that you only have 5 spoons, but you quickly realize that when you take a shower and get dressed and that takes 3 spoons, then making breakfast and eating takes 2 spoons and you have barely done anything and yet you absolutely must rest because your body is hurting or shaky or you cant seem to move your arms and legs anymore. Or when it gets really bad you feel super nauseous and better not move or you will start to throw up. 

People dealing with chronic energy depleting conditions deal with this every day and have to make decisions based on what energy they happen to have available that day or that moment. I have had to cancel plans with friends or plans for going out and doing activities that take higher energy.  I have had to change vacation plans to events that take relatively little physical activity.  I say relatively because my comparison is always BC levels for me.

I have spent too much time being tired and feeling sick and pining after the activities I really want to do, like go to an activity with a friends or even a walk though the woods on a sunny day.  Instead of the things I have to do, like get dressed and cook food that is lower in phosphorus than what I can get in take out or prepackaged meals.  I am not looking for suggestions to help, I know a lot of them and have used them when I can.  

One of the things I love to do is host a party. It brought me so much joy to have a group of friends over laughing and talking and enjoying food I prepared.  But what do you do when you have people coming over and you hit a wall in the middle of trying to prepare for them?  What if you can't even enjoy the gathering because you are too tired from all the work getting ready for it and you just want to lie down and take a nap?  That is a new experience for me, almost every day I get to the point where I have to lie down and rest and it might be a 1 hour nap or a 3 hour nap.  I get very frustrated with how much of my day I have to spend napping and resting.

I can lower my standards, maybe not worry about how clean my house is.  Maybe get more pre-prepped food or ask more friends to help.  I got to that point yesterday when we were having a very late family birthday gathering for Dawn and Leanna. It was just us and them and their SOs, but it was tea party style so, of course there is a soup, salad and sandwich course.  There is the fancy table cloths and napkins and because its cold rainy weather a from scratch Masala Chai tea brewing on the stove.  That's how we show our love right?  By preparing favorite and or requested foods and welcoming our loved ones home to a clean and lovely environment. We should have just gone out to eat, or maybe I could have asked some friends or family to help.  I realized this half way through the morning the second time I had to sit and rest since my hands were shaking too much for me to be safe with sharp objects.  I try not to beat myself up over it but yesterday I got to the point where I could no longer move and was so nauseated and exhausted that I needed to lie down and have everyone help me as I couldn't even get to the bathroom for my stupid pills.

The pills that are a constant flow of chemo in my system, the pills that make me tired and shaky and nauseated.  The pills that make my hands and feet hurt and my skin dry and peeling and cracking and bleeding, and my mouth and lips to have sores and my hair to go straight and fall out.   The pills that make me so tired I can't plan more than one high energy activity in the morning or afternoon and have to take naps. 

The pills that are keeping me alive.

Energy Management means; If I go meet friends for a walk I won't be able to cook dinner for myself.  If I go to an evening gathering of friends I need someone to drive me or make arrangements to spend the night as I will not be safe to drive myself home.  If I do laundry I won't be able to go shopping.  If I go shopping I won't have the energy to cook.  Often my best energy is in the morning, I am awake at 5 am most days and have good energy till around 9 or 10, then I need to lay down and rest again.  Then I have enough energy From 11 till 1 or 2 then have to nap.  Afternoons are often bad for me, after my afternoon nap I often wake not feeling rested, with sore arms and legs and am easily nauseated. By 8 pm I am exhausted and it's a struggle to stay awake until 9.  It's difficult to meet with friends and host a house full with this level of energy.  

 I have tried to stay active and do activities with the Cancer Support Community of Ann Arbor.  They are a fabulous organization and I have attended Zoom group support meetings and taken Tai Chi, Pilates, and yoga classes.  They also host different events and have guest speakers for education on things like energy management and navigating the healthcare system. For anyone who is looking for help navigating their New Normal with cancer I highly recommend The Cancer Support Community of Ann Arbor.  

And if there are any really early birds out there who don't mind meeting at 8 am I have really good energy at that time.  Sadly 1-3 is usually nap time for me and I won't have much energy until 5 or 6 for a short period before I need to get to bed.  I really do miss my friends and family and love you all.  Please don't see my lack of participation in events due to lack of spoons as a lack of interest.  Most of my days I feel very lonely and desperately wish I had the energy to do the things my friends and  family are doing.